Give me just a little more time

If you started your working life in the 1980s, you, like me, are probably baptised by total immersion in the religion of time management.

While I know it’s not ‘true’ I was raised to see efficiency as a virtue ranking up there with cleanliness and godliness and, as a result, time as currency. Something with which to rack up value and earnings.

If you’ve ever worked in a profession where you charge by the hour (respectable or otherwise ) you’ll understand the uncomfortable reality that you are only paid for the hours that you work, and that holidays cost you twice.

As a cancer survivor I have another complex layer of meaning on my time. I’m left with a permanent sense that my time on this planet could be shorter than I’d like, so I have a tendency to want to pack my days with experiences.

The result of all of these complex time perspectives mean that I really struggle to use my time in a way that makes me happy. In fact it rarely even occurs to me. I’m driven to be highly structured, efficient, and intense in the way I plan and use the hours in my day; I struggle to remember that there are other options, that I could use my time another way if I chose. The habit of filling my time is ingrained – as though being occupied is a virtue (the devil makes work for idle hands). Sitting around watching the world go by is only for the feckless – less valuable members of our society. And I struggle, really struggle, to sit down if there’s anything at all that ‘should’ be done.

I feel so sad – and sometimes angry – that our children are learning the same message from a much younger age. Not many children nowadays are allowed to sit and dream, their lives are packed with school activities and out of school activities; even car journeys are provided with entertainment. Sad, because I dreamed some of my loveliest childhood dreams while staring, bored, out of the back window of my parents’ car.

And where does all this careful use of time get me? I know – because people are always telling me – that I manage to pack an awful lot into my little life – lots of work, lots of fun and lots of creative activities too – so I’m not complaining. But even the most skilled time management can’t avoid periods when too many activities are peaking at once, when time feels very limited and sleep suffers and stress escalates as all these self-imposed deadlines come together in an adrenalin-fuelled mad rush. I frequently feel as though I’m rushing through life with a pack of wolves at my heels, trying to use my time more and more wisely to get it all done and ending up feeling as though something’s gotta give. When it peaks, even social engagements with friends I love start to feel like a chore as I long for the comfort of curling up in bed with a good book and silence all around me.

But what are the alternatives? I want to have a fulfilling life. And somehow that seems to go hand in hand with being busy and efficient.

And a little voice says ‘Maybe that’s just dogma?’ Why should fulfilment and busy-ness be inextricably linked? My mind throws up images of travelling through Thai villages, people sitting on the steps doing very little, beaming all over their faces, their quiet peace shining out. Perhaps filling time isn’t the route to fulfilment? Perhaps, like caffeine, using time like that becomes a sort of addiction?

I’m certain it’s a new status symbol. We live in a society now where being busy confers almost as much status as being rich. I can’t imagine being in a social gathering or networking group and admitting that I spent the day doing nothing. How would it go…

Q: “Oh, hi Dawn… what are you working on at the moment?”

A: “Nothing really. I’m just watching the time go by, you know, staring out the window, wondering what inspiration will come my way.”

?!

But there’s the thing. No matter how busy I am and how stressed I know that half an hour walking the dog in the sunshine works wonders for unravelling the problems of my life: suddenly my priorities float to the surface, I remember the important thing that I was forgetting and I have lots of inspiration for my blog.

And yet I still struggle to use my time in that fluid and flexible way. I still cling on to my dogged belief that time spent in front of the screen is somehow more useful and valuable (and virtuous) than time pottering in the garden.

At the same time I believe, although I have no proof, that my survival is partly due to reducing my commitments, learning to say no to the things I don’t want to do (there’s always someone who DOES want to do the things you don’t) and allowing myself to take it all more slowly.

I have a secret wish that I was the sort of person who takes half an hour every morning to do the crossword with a cup of tea. I’ve never managed to let myself do that because it seems like something only retired people would do. But what if I never reach retirement? What if I don’t like crosswords when I’m 60! What if…

 

I still have a long way to go before I can use my time as nature intended without following the mores of our society. But the first step is becoming aware that I do have a choice. And the second step is stepping away from the screen for a little longer each day.

Missing the point: because it’s so small…

A couple of days ago I was walking in the woods near my house with a dear friend who recently lost her father.

One of the first lovely days of the year, the spring sunshine was finding its way through the trees, creating silvery puddles of light. We stopped to locate a woodpecker that we could hear in the trees above, and looked in childlike wonder at the buds breaking on the trees.

My friend is an inspirational gardener and she pointed out to the tiny bright pink female flowers next to the showy catkins on the pussy willow. I’d never noticed them before, and they made my day.

Such a small thing; such a lot of pleasure.

I can remember as a young slip of a girl expecting life to become bigger and glitzier with time. My college years and first job happened in the 80s when ‘greed was good’ and we all expected to live forever on expense accounts, GTIs and ever-increasing shoulder pads. The universe was expanding and our expectations with it. In many ways life has failed to keep up with the dreams I entertained in my 20s. I earn less now than I did then; I choose my car for it’s eco credentials not its speed; I very rarely eat out at lunch time – and never on expenses. But I’ve never been happier.

The idea of getting more pleasure from less is something of a paradox in the modern world (and yet the ancients found it entirely normal). We are brainwashed into thinking that if something is a good thing then more of it is a better thing. It’s a fundamental law of the society we live in, sustained by the survival mantra ‘Keep on shopping.’

We follow this creed when we fuel ourselves with sugar and caffeine, saddle ourselves with overdrafts and mortgages, and fool ourselves with celebrity culture and disposable everything. It creates an endless drive for more, which creates an endless cycle of earning, which makes us too busy to slow down, which feels a lot like living.

But you only have to look at the people who exist at the top of that particular pyramid to know that happiness is not the natural outcome of that way of life. If anything it breeds more and more emptiness which needs increasing amounts of everything to satiate it.

To me they are missing the point. Because they’re looking in the wrong direction. They’re looking for more when they should be looking for less. It’s an easy mistake to make.

There’s no way I would have been so delighted by a catkin flower when I was 27. It has taken me 20 years – and some very crunchy life experiences – to be able to look at such a tiny aspect of life and find so much pleasure. Now that’s progress.

Make this one a REALLY happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas is on all our lips but what do we really mean by that? When you talk about Christmas with your friends the annoying things tend to figure just as much as the fun. And so many of us spend too much, eat too much and miss out on precious sleep so that we start January tired and jaded. What’s that all about?

In my view, happiness is for life, not just for Christmas. But by looking at the things that make us happy or sad at Christmas we can learn lessons for the rest of the year.

H
We all have habits or traditions that we repeat year after year. Some good, some awful; but perhaps, more than any other time, we don’t feel empowered to ‘do’ Christmas differently. We put up with the same old patterns and many of us just endure rather than enjoy it. Some of us live the rest of the year like that too. This Christmas, work out one thing that will make your Christmas time more happy (more sleep, more walks, more time with someone special) and make sure you do it.

A
Alcohol makes you grumpy and sleepy so take it easy or you’ll miss all the fun. That goes for the rest of the year too.

P
Presents are fun but half the joy is in the wrapping. Make an extra effort to make them look nice and write a nice message on the tag. Put the carols on and have a glass of wine while you’re doing it. As ever, seeing the pleasure on someone else’s face is usually the best bit of present-giving.

P
Pantomime is totally ridiculous and silly but it’s one of those great British traditions that gets everyone out of the house and bumping into their neighbours. Find your local one and give it a go. Better still, volunteer to help out next year – you’ll meet lots of interesting people – and get free tickets!

Y
Christmas is about living life to the full. It’s a personal message of peace and joy and fearless living. The idea that a tiny baby with no rank, no riches and nowhere to live came and totally changed the world. If that can happen, anything can happen. And the message is for You. And it’s not just for Christmas. Geddit?

C
Count your blessings. I know it sounds trite but this time of year, more than any other, can highlight what we can’t have rather than what we can, particularly when the economic climate is unsettling and we’re fighting wars abroad. No matter who you are or where you are, what is there to be grateful for? Focussing on that will make you feel happier.

H
Hold that feeling. What’s your happiest moment? Midnight mass, opening presents, Boxing day ramble, playing charades, when the family arrives (or when they go?!) What is the underlying basis for feeling happy? How can you create that more often in your life?

R
Review your year. While everyone else is asleep in front of the TV give some thought to what you did this year and how you felt. What worked? What didn’t? What will you do differently next year? Turn that thought into something that you can act on. Build it into your plans.

I
Invite someone you hardly know for a glass of wine and a mince pie. Or someone you fancy, or someone you admire but think won’t find you interesting, or someone who is a bit different, or someone, just anyone, that you would like to be closer to.

S
Sleep is important. All that planning and cooking and partying can make it difficult to get all that you need. Late nights and alcohol eat away at your sanity. Try to get a nap or an early night along the way and you’ll find your relatives look so much nicer!

T
Turkey is full of tryptophan which helps you sleep so if you must raid the fridge in the night, that’s the thing to choose – not the leftover trifle. Yes, you. You know who I mean.

M
Make someone’s day. Find someone who’s on their own and take them a gift and a smile.

A
All I want for Christmas… Instead of focusing on gadgets, sweaters and smellies, use some of your free time to work out what you really really want out of life and vow to go for it next year.

S
Save a bit of Christmas Cake for January. We’ll need a bit of cheering up then!

Have a great Christmas. Use the time to tune in to yourself and how you feel about your life. If you think you need to make some serious changes in order to be happier give me a call and we can work it out together.